All good things should fall apart.

It's hard to keep your head above water in a flood.

I've been Swayed by the Cool.

I've been Swayed by the Cool.
March, 2005

Feeling like a sidekick lately. Just kind of sidelined, around for a good story, a bonus item to someone else's day. It's really not all that horrible of a place to be. I have fun at it, I'm not really a center-of-attention kind of girl. I'd rather be a little quiet, fill a bit of empty space. It's a lot of responsibility to be a headliner. While Cat 5 years ago had no problem being larger than life, current-Cat is a bit more mild mannered. I'm just as adventurous, just as reckless, but probably more internalized.

But every so often, when the principles aren't available to go eat curry or sit on a happy-hour patio with me, I think it might be nice to be a little more than that.

(The wiki article on sidekicks is pretty great. I also cannot stop listening to the Gaslight Anthem.)

A dozen or so rhythms.

It's official. For the rest of the month, all I care about is punk rock. Sorry work, sorry friendships, sorry pictures, you're all on the back burner.

Rio Grande.

Missing home. Fall's the best back there. The chile's fresh, the air is cold and Zozobra's burning away the anxieties of an entire state. I'll be back there soon, I'm sure. Just wish it was closer. It's a completely different world out here sometimes. This river would be laughed at in Oklahoma, the mighty Rio Grande is nothing.

Completely unrelated side note, I have no idea how to turn an internet-crush into a real-life-crush. I'm just way too awkward.

Who'd of thought?

Don't take no nerve when you got nothing to guard.

Echo!
Echo.
Echo?
...

Fifteen Minutes.

This is my favorite picture of myself. Taken in late 2004 at UNM's premier pizzeria right about the time I felt like everything in my life was getting back on track after some personal trauma that, at the time, wrecked me, but now that I think about it, was barely a drop in a bucket. The picture's all forehead and awkward, but I like it. Obviously, I was happy.

A kid I went to high school with killed himself a few weeks before this was taken. I wasn't particularly close with him but he was the sort of guy I thought had it all figured out. He hung out with everyone, his dad let everyone party at his house and he was super talented. It all got messed up, the way that small towns tend to destroy only the best and brightest, and he put a gun in his mouth outside a bar. I talked to a girl I went to high school with a few days later and she said probably the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about suicide: "I swear, if people would wait for like, fifteen minutes, everything can change."

Current headspace is by definition bizarre these days. I’ve been hit with a few things I wasn’t quite ready for. If I wasn’t already feeling so bizarre, they wouldn’t bother me as much, but as I am, it makes things even more cloudy. I’ve an aunt in the hospital with a brain aneurism and an ex-boyfriend getting married. Wow. When you put those two in the same sentence, it certainly gives you some perspective. It’s like throwing rocks into a tornado, still hurts, but the rocks really aren’t what do the damage.

I know I’m where I need to be. And I really am a nice girl. I probably just need fifteen minutes.

PS. No, I'm not going off the deep end. Come on, I'm fully aware it's really all just #whitegirlproblems. The weather in Norman right now is too glorious to be grumpy. Patio furniture is my favorite right now.

Water Shed.

An Oklahoman told me once that the biggest sky he's ever seen is in Oklahoma. I absolutely agree. But as far as blue sky goes, New Mexico might have it beat. No photoshopping, by the way.

Plastic.

Ten years ago, all I cared about was punk rock and whether boys thought I was cute. It's amazing the things that never change.

Balancing Act.

 
Me and Denver have always had a tricky relationship. It's like a passive aggressive friendship with someone you've known for a long time. They're always sort of around, but you've got to keep them at a distance because before you know it, you're losing your phone in bars and snowed in for days. I really don't particularly like the place. I could think of 20 other big cities I'd rather go to. But, I keep going back since it's in close proximity to where I live and I've always got friends who make homes there. Sometimes, I'll find things (mostly beers) I like, but I never want to stay long.

This is from the 16th Street area, in front of one of the hotels. Just like all other big city downtowns, they have to mix art with industry. I did really like these ladies and they seemed to blend in well.

I wish I had more to say, really I do. Can't quite figure out my brain since I've gotten back from vacation. Sort of feels like I'm in a permanent state of waiting. I really should be doing and not waiting, but I'm not quite sure what to do. If that makes any sense at all...